“Hey,” she said, picking it up. There was
an edge to her voice.
“It’s Dave, what’s up? How’s it
going?”
“Not great,” Elys said, “I don’t
really want to talk right now.”
“Hey, want to give me some help?
Friday?”
“Help with what?” Elys asked, “Also,
you still owe me from Halloween.”
“Yeah I guess I do,” Dave said,
“Could you suggest a way I can make it up to you long enough for you to owe me
again after helping me with something?”
“Yeah,” Elys said, “You could kill
Kyle Avem for me. That’d be nice.”
“Shit, Elys, killing people might be
the kind of thing I’m not very experienced with,” Dave said, “I haven’t ever
killed anyone, like, ever. Not even in a dream. I’ve been killed in a dream, but…”
“I don’t really care,” Elys said,
“If you kill Avem, I’ll owe you for two favors.”
“Two favors? Damn that sure is a lot
of hypothetical favors.”
“Shut your fucking face Dave, this
is serious.”
“What did Kyle do?”
There was a silence on the other end,
and Dave had to check his phone to make sure that Elys was still connected,
that she hadn’t hung up yet. But after a moment he heard her inhale, “I don’t
really want to talk about it.”
“That’s fair. Maybe he spread a
rumor. Maybe he told a falsehood about you, gossiped. Maybe he broke your
heart.”
“Fuckin’ shut it.”
“Yeah I will,” Dave said, “But hey,
I’m still not sure about killing him. But maybe there’s some way we can get him
back? Some way to make him pay for whatever it is he did?”
“Make him pay? Come on, Dave, let’s
get real here, this isn’t an average teenage squabble. This isn’t teen angst.
An irreparable grievance has been committed.”
“I’d agree with you, Elys, I would,
but you won’t tell me what happened. How am I supposed to agree with you if you
won’t tell me what happened.”
“I think you can just agree with me,
yeah?” Elys said, “But maybe there is a way to punish him that doesn’t involve
killing him.”
“Now we’re talking,” Dave said, “How
can I help?”
“What does a kid who plays sports
all the time need?”
“That is the darkest implication
I’ve ever heard a statement contain,” Dave said, “I’m not going to hamstring
him or something. No way. I won’t harm a hair on his stupid head.”
“We can ruin his shoes or
something,” Elys said, “Or maybe…”
“Or maybe?”
“Maybe the most important thing to
Kyle Avem is his car. Do you think that might be it?”
“I think the most important thing to
him might be his car,” Dave said, “Sure.”
“Let’s fuck it up then.”
“Ok, how fucked up are you talking?”
“Can we make it so that it never
drives again?” Elys said, “Or at least that it needs an absurd amount of money
to repair?”
“Sure, ok, fine,” Dave said, “I
really want to hear what he did that hurt you so bad, but I guess I’ll just
wait. You’ll tell me eventually.”
“Oh, I will?”
“Yeah,” Dave said, “You’ll let it
slip. You’ll think you were really wise about the way you let it slip, but
you’ll just be embarrassed when you realize how awfully you made it obvious.”
“Maybe I won’t this time,” Elys
said.
“Maybe you won’t, but whatever. I
need you to help me steal the Candle Crown from a cave full of goons who may or
may not be armed.”
“Woah.”
“What?”
“That is the fakest thing I have
ever heard anyone say. The next time you want to ask me a favor, try not being
a fucking jerk about it.”
“No no no no no,” Dave said. It was
spoken quickly as though it were one word spoken in some other language. The
meaning of this statement could best be translated as, please don’t hang up you’re understanding me wrong.
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